


don't think i'll ever get it now

by nunaseaweed



Series: Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time [10]
Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:13:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29396043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nunaseaweed/pseuds/nunaseaweed
Summary: I killed Keefe! Ahaha. I’m so sorry. ‘I’m sorry you have to see this. I’m sorry you have to feel this. I’d tell you not to waste your tears on me, but that’s never proved helpful. The last thing I want to do now is be unhelpful.'
Relationships: Dex Dizznee/Biana Vacker, Keefe Sencen/Tam Song
Series: Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159292
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	don't think i'll ever get it now

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I totally own Keeper of the Lost Cities and “my tears ricochet” (for legal reasons this is a joke)  
> Notes:  
> -a couple of weeks after legacy  
> -Dex and Biana are dating and Keefe was the only one who knew.  
> -WARNING: suicide mentions  
> -this is a songfic, meaning lyrics from a song (specifically ‘my tears ricochet’ by Taylor Swift) are scattered throughout the writing. it’ll be a separate paragraph that’s in italics and underlined.  
> -I’m so sorry guys, please take this time to yell at me. If you do show up at my house to kill me, make sure you have flaming pitchforks, burn my house to the ground with killer music playing, and then play the Wii music with an orchestra as you behead me.

**_we gather here_ **

**_we line up weeping in a sunlit room_ **

Six letters. Each marked with a name. Fitz, Sophie, Biana, Dex, Linh, and Tam. Each with specific instructions not to let anyone else read them. And who were they to disobey a dead man’s wishes?

All it had taken was one chance. Ro off with the ogres doing some work for her dad, and everyone else telling him to rest at home. Of course, Cassius wasn’t a problem. He couldn’t care less about what his son did if it didn’t hurt his reputation. Fortunately, this did. Keefe made sure of it. 

Fitz had been the one to find them. Fed up with ignored hails, he went straight to the Shores of Solace to confront his best friend. When he stepped inside his room, it was clean. Not a sheet out of place. That was the first sign that something was wrong.

The next was the basket sitting in the middle of his bed. His drawing journals at the back, with six stuffed envelopes in front of them, and a single rolled-up scroll at the front, tied with an ice blue bow the same as the one on the basket’s handle. 

Worrying, the teal-eyed boy checked the closet and the bathroom, calling his friend's name before giving up and sitting on the bed next to the basket. He took the scroll and untied the ribbon, faintly taking notice of the tear stains on the envelopes. 

The scroll had a drawing at the top. A stunningly realistic picture of Keefe, standing on a ledge, staring up at two cloud-shaped memories. His mother taking his blood for nightfall. And his father tearing up is art. Fitz suddenly knew what this was. But the knowledge didn’t make it easier to see the words “ _ Keefe Sencen’s Will _ ” neatly written underneath the drawing.

**_and if I’m made of fire_ **

**_you’ll be ashes too_ **

Fitz was vaguely aware of the choking sound he made as he started breathing again. And the scroll falling from his hands, springing around Keefe’s bed and rolling up again. It all seemed so far away. It had to be some sick dream.

Pushing all emotion down his throat, promising himself he’d deal with it later, Fitz kept reading. 

_ I’m sorry you have to see this. I’m sorry you have to feel this. I’d tell you not to waste your tears on me, but that’s never proved helpful. The last thing I want to do now is be unhelpful. _

_ I’m sorry I could never be helpful enough to be Black Swan when they needed it. I’m sorry Forkman worked so hard to keep us all alive and I ruined it (though I was never one to follow rules.) I’m sorry I could never be the best friend Fitz needed. I’m sorry I could never be the older brother Biana deserved. I’m sorry for manipulating Sophie. I’m sorry I never confronted Dex for thinking the same way as I did. I’m sorry for telling Tam I’d get through the ‘transformation’ only for you to be reading this now. I’m sorry to take away Linh's smile. Your guys’ happiness was sometimes the only thing that got me through the day. I’m sorry that couldn’t last. _

**_even on my worst day_ **

**_did I deserve babe_ **

**_all the hell you gave me?_ **

_ I’m not sorry for the hell and scorn dear old pops will be going through soon enough. I’m not sorry for foiling mommy dearest’s plan. Make sure they know I’m not sorry.  _

_ All the ‘character building’ my father gave me didn’t help me now, did it? But don’t hurt him. If he’s got even a shred of decency then he’ll be hurt enough himself. If not? Have at it. I know Fitz will take joy in doing so. _

_ Also, make sure he doesn’t come to my planting. The only ones taking condolences for my death are the Vackers, and everyone else I gave a letter too. My parents have no business being at my planting, surrounded by people who actually loved me. _

_ And of course, mother! Mother mother mother. The only thing worse than having a horrible parent is finding out the good one is worse. Thanks for ruining my life. You succeeded! I was a killing machine, just like you wanted. But I’m glad to let you know that there was a flaw in your plan. _

_ Of course, you knew I’d think about doing this once I figured out my new ability. You knew I’d feel guilty if I left everyone. But you forgot! You can’t feel guilty if you’re dead. _

**_cause I loved you_ **

**_I swear I loved you_ **

**_till my dying day_ **

_ Now! The actual will!  _

_ Mrs. Stinkbottom should go to Sophie. She’s the one who started the teddy squad after all!  _

_ Linh gets my brown journal, so she’ll always be happy. _

_ Tam gets the silver one, because I owe him an explanation. I owe all of you an explanation. _

_ I made a necklace a while back, and I never gave it to anyone after what happened with the one I gave my mom. It just felt special to me. So I want Biana to have it.  _

_ Dex, in the back of the left bookcase, behind some empathy textbooks on the right side of the fourth shelf, is a fat hollowed out textbook holding 3 black notebooks filled with advice. You’ll see the tripwire I’m sure. I wish I’d talked to you man, but there wasn’t time.  _

_ And Fitz. I owe you so much more than I can give. You were one of the main reasons I lasted 16 years. And this is how I repay you. Please do me a favor and kick my wanderling once it’s big enough. And kick it again because I’m asking you for a favor. Kick it as much as you’d like. I still have the single green scrunchie I used when we grew out our hair together when we were nine. Have it. And the green journal. You’re in it a lot. It hurt me to hurt you, I hope you know.  _

_ Fitz, Biana, and Dex can split my prattles pins. Take anything you want.  _

_ Anyone can take whatever they want from my closet or my room. I don’t have that many valuable items apparently! And burn my gold notebook. There’s nothing helpful in there anymore. _

**_I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace_ **

_ I’m so sorry for doing this. I’m so sorry for leaving. I’m a coward. But there was nothing we could’ve done.  _

_ Sophie told me a human story once about a king that wished to turn everything he touched to gold. But he killed everyone he touched. He had to run them under a river to save them. _

_ There’s nothing to save a corpse. _ __

**_and you’re the hero flying around saving face_ **

_ When my mother said she’d give me a new ability, she meant entirely new. Every living thing I touch withers. No amount of gloves helps. No piece of tech would either.  _

_ I know I didn’t give you time to try. But there wasn’t any. How much time do I get alone without a bodyguard? I had a chance to spare you and I took it. I’m not letting anyone die for me.  _

**_and if I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?_ **

_ And speaking of the queen herself! Ro, I screwed up. You know that better than anyone. I’m coming clean now, in what you would call the most cowardly way possible. But even then you understand why I couldn’t.  _

_ I annoyed you so much. But you still dealt with it. I made all of these stupid and foolish decisions in front of you and you know you could’ve stopped it but you let it happen for me. I wish I was smarter. _

_ Stick around would ya? With Tam and Linh? Mommy dearest is not gonna be happy with them when word gets out. And you know it will. _

**_cursing my name_ **

**_wishing I’d stay_ **

_ Again, I’m sorry for causing you pain. When I was alive and now. I’m sorry not being as good of a friend as I could’ve been. I’m sorry for lying to you constantly for the past year. I’m sorry that most of the dumb mistakes I made didn’t even have the smallest good effect. I’m sorry for never being good enough. I-Oh god I’m sorry for never telling Sophie what the Great Gluon Incident was! Somebody tell her, please. _

_ I’m gonna miss your smiles. I’m gonna miss your laughs. I’m gonna miss you a lot. I just hope for two things.  _

_ I hope my tree does justice to my hair. _

_ And I hope you’ll forgive me. _

**_look at how my tears ricochet_ **

Fitz pretended not to notice the tears running down his face. He pretended not to acknowledge that he was pushing back all of his emotions again. He pretended that it wasn’t bad for him. Cuz that’s all he could do at this point. Pretend.

What was he supposed to do? His best friend was just gone. And he wasn’t coming back. Fitz knew he should’ve been thankful for the letters he left behind. For the explanations and the will. The sentiment.

But he still found himself throwing stuff around Keefe’s room. Only after kicking his desk and sofa more times than he could count did he realize his anger was misplaced. This wasn’t Keefe’s fault. He explained that. 

**_we gather stones_ **

**_never knowing what they’ll mean_ **

Fitz grabbed his imparter and sent a group message to Sophie, Biana, Linh, Tam, and Dex.  _ ‘Shores of Solace. Now. I don’t care what you’re doing.’ _

He threw his importer back onto Keefe’s bed. Fitz looked into the basket again and saw what must have been the necklace he wanted Biana to have. The envelopes were dotted with tear stains, but the one with the most was the one with his own name on it. 

Fitz’s mind ran through what Keefe had said in the will. He said he was apologizing for something. That he hurt him. The only thing Fitz could find that Keefe had ever done to hurt him was to join the Neverseen and let Alvar go. But both had been done for a good reason, and they had both talked about it. The only other thing that came to mind was Keefe liking Sophie.

Keefe had also said he manipulated her. What could he have meant by that?

Fitz grabbed the envelope labeled with his name and found that it was one of the thickest ones, the other two being Tam and Sophie’s. He turned it over and reached to open it when he saw the neat printing on the seal. “ _ I wish I didn’t hurt you as much as I have. _ ”

That was it for Fitz. He came here to yell at his best friend for ignoring him, prepared to find him at his desk hunched over his notebooks claiming he was in “deep draw mode” or something stupid. Not this. He wasn’t prepared for this. Who was?

**_some to throw_ **

**_some to make a diamond ring_ **

Faintly he heard his imparter beep, but he didn’t care. He collapsed onto the sofa and let the tears fall. It felt good to let it go. But no amount of crying was going to be enough. Fitz reached out telepathically to his sister.

_ Bia? _

_ Fitz? Oh god. Are you okay? Why aren’t you answering your imparter? What do you need us for?  _ she asked.

Fitz tried to tell her. He did try. But forming the words mentally still proved to be a challenge.  _ It’s… I can’t make myself say it. _

_ Did something bad happen? Is Keefe okay? _

_ No. Well, maybe. With wishful thinking. _

_ What? Fitz, you aren’t making any sense! _

_ I’m not going to for a while. Just do me a favor and grab Mr.Snuggles for me. And if Sophie’s there, tell her to get Ella. She’ll need it. _

_ Fitz! What’s going on! Fi- _

Fitz severed their connection. He couldn’t tell Biana like that. She’d already been through so much. They both had. Everyone had. 

**_you know I didn’t want to_ **

**_have to haunt you_ **

**_but what a ghostly scene_ **

He could faintly feel the tears flowing down his cheeks again but he didn’t care. Fitz got up and marched down the hall to Lord Cassius’s office, not bothering to knock on the door.

“Fitz. I would’ve thought you’d knock. Keefe left to go somewhere a couple of hours ago I think, if you’re looking for him that is,” Cassius started, then he seemed to see Fitz’s tears and raised a single eyebrow.

“Did you know he was supposed to be resting?” Fitz asked angrily.

Cassius seemed caught off guard. “I’m sorry, wha-”

“Did you know he was in a coma for almost four weeks or did that slip your mind? Just like the fact that you have to show your kids love once in a while did.”

Rolling his eyes, Cassius replied. “If this is about that, you can tell my son that he needs to learn to be a ma-”

“I can’t tell your son anything!” Fitz shouted.

“Why ever not? And appreciate it if you’d stop interrupting me.”

“And I’d appreciate it if my best friend was still alive!”

**_you wear the same jewels_ **

**_that I gave you_ **

**_as you bury me_ **

“The idiot got himself killed?”

His monotone voice made Fitz shake with anger as he slammed his hands down on his desk. “Why don’t you switch the last two words and figure it out for yourself?!”

Realization seemed to dawn on Cassius' face. He looked at the floor and proceeded to say, “I can feel the disgust you’re throwing at me, but I can assure you it’s misdirected.”

Fitz could not understand the audacity of this man. “Are you sure?! ‘Cause his will says otherwise!”

Cassius didn’t meet his eyes. Fitz took his hands off the desk. “Contact Ro and tell her to come home in a couple of hours. If she asks why, tell her to hail me.”

Fitz turned around to leave, but remembered, “You’re not coming to the planting.”

Now Cassius had a reaction. “He’s my son!”

“It was in his will!”

“Who will people be giving condolences to then?”

“Me! And people who actually showed that they loved him!” Fitz turned around to face Cassius again. “What did you tell Sophie? ‘Love convoluted things’? That’s why you kept it buried?” Fitz shook his head and headed out the door. “Maybe if you hadn’t he would still be here.”

**_I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace_ **

Fitz stumbled down the hall, tears blurring his vision. He sat down outside Keefe’s room with his head between his knees, begging the world to stop spinning. 

He could hear faint footsteps not too far away but didn’t bother to lift his head until Biana crouched down in front of him. Everyone else was standing behind her, Linh and Sophie looking worried, Dex looking more confused than worried, and Tam… Well, Tam was harder to read than ever.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Biana asked softly, gently wiping away her brother’s tears and handing him Mr.Snuggles. She was panicking on the inside, the last time Fitz cried this hard was when their dad’s mind had been broken.

“Where’s Keefe?” she questioned gently, tilting his face up at her.

“He’s gone.”

Biana did her best to not stumble and Dex’s leg behind her back helped. Sophie kneeled down next to then and pondered, “What do you mean he’s gone?”

Fitz didn’t have to be an empath to see the clear panic in her eyes. He nodded his head towards Keefe’s door, And Tam pushed it open gently, grabbing Linh softly by the arm and bringing her with him. Dex helped Sophie and Biana stand up and went in after the Songs, and Fitz got up and quickly collapsed on the couch in the back of the room as the rest sat on the bed. He was aware that he looked like a child, curled up around his plushie, but he couldn’t care less. Sophie herself had Ella sitting beside her, and Biana had Lady Sassyfur in her lap.

He saw Linh pick up the scroll, heard a gasp and a soft thud. Fitz couldn’t bring himself to reopen his eyes until he heard Biana whisper, “No. No, no, no. He can’t…”

Fitz sighed weakly, “I don’t know what to tell you.”

**_cuz when I’d fight you used to tell me I was brave_ **

Sophie grabbed the will and tried to read it aloud, but her voice broke halfway through the second paragraph. They all took turns reading it since no one could stay stone-faced for long.

“ _ I’m gonna miss your smiles. I’m gonna miss your laughs. I’m gonna miss you a lot. I just hope for two things. I hope my tree does justice to my hair. And I hope you’ll forgive me,”  _ Linh finished. “I don’t understand. Forgive him for this? Or something else?”

“He said he manipulated me,” Sophie whispered. “How?”

Biana shook her head and turned into Dex’s hug, burying her head in the crook of his neck. He pulled her closer and didn’t bother to wipe his own tears. 

Tam had his hands on Linh’s shoulders. If anyone asked it was to calm her down. She knew it was to hide his tears.

“That’s what the letters are for, right? To explain?” he suggested. 

Sophie nodded and grabbed her letter and Fitz’s, handing it to him. She sat on the other side of the couch as she opened it, their feet touching. 

Fitz broke open the seal and pulled out all of the folded paper inside. He obviously had a lot to say. Fitz smiled to himself. Even after death, Keefe never found himself shutting up. That man opened his mouth and never shut it.

**_and if I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?_ **

_ Dear Fitzy, _

_ You deserved so much better than me for a best friend. I’m so sorry for doing so much wrong. I’m so sorry for never telling you the truth. _

_ I didn’t love Sophie that way. I had to make it seem like I did so no one would know who I actually loved that way. I mean, liking Sophie is like a trend at this point! Sophie was a really easy person to fall in love with. You did. Dex did. I faked it. _

_ I know it must’ve been one of the worst plans I had (nothing can ever come close to running off and joining the Neverseen), but it made sense at the time. Why would I risk my relationship with my best friend for something that wasn’t real?! Nobody would ever guess the truth.  _

_ The truth is that I’m gay. And I’m gonna cross my fingers and hope that you’ll read the rest of this, hope that you won’t care as almost everyone else would. It’s not a topic that we really talked about, so how was I supposed to know if I could tell you or not?  _

_ Even before I met you, I thought everyone should be able to love whoever they wanted. I got yelled at for voicing my opinion. So I kept it to myself.  _

_ For fifteen years, I just thought I hadn’t met ‘the one’. For fifteen years I’d been flirting with girls. Then we went to Exilllium. More importantly, we met Tam. _

_ Sophie told me about all that “they only tease you cuz they like you” shit and let me tell ya, I do not approve. But there wasn’t really a choice for me in this situation. _

_ I’m sure you guys all figured the reason I didn’t want Tam to take a reading of me was because I didn’t want anyone to know I was planning to join the Neverseen. That was only part of it. I didn’t want him to figure it out. I couldn’t risk it. _

_ I’f my dad had known, he would’ve kicked me out. And then what would I have done? This hair needs shampoo ya know! In all seriousness, I can’t describe how sick I felt when I figured it out. _

_ Of course, I still stood by my earlier opinion, but this was  _ bad. _ Really, really, bad. I knew the consequences, and the very thought of anyone finding out made me sick. So I did my best at trying to cover it up. Pretending that I thought he was creepy, not letting him take a reading of me, teasing him, liking Sophie. I wish I hadn’t done the last part. I’m gonna sound really cocky but, no one can help falling for me. _

**_cursing my name_ **

**_wishing I’d stay_ **

_ And that messed up your relationship. Even if she doesn’t know it. Everyone else does, including you. I really am sorry man. I should’ve pretended that I liked Linh, or Marella, or something. I should’ve done a lot of things differently. But that doesn’t make a difference now. _

_ You can make a difference now though. I know you two broke up over some stupid disagreement about her parents. And I also know you. I know you don’t actually care. I know the only reason you give a shit about matchmaking was because of your family. You need to realize, Fitz, that the people who matter, won’t care in the slightest. They just want you to be happy. She’ll make you happy. _

_And vice versa. If Sophie herself knows she can’t tell anyone about her parents, this being SOPHIE, you should listen to her. Don’t ruin what you guys have over something stupid. You have a brain in there Captain Cognate. Use it goddammit._

_ I know you’re probably wondering about my ability, so let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. Everything that my palm or fingertips touched died in less than a second. The longer I held on, the more it would decompose. I had on about sixteen gloves, and it didn't so much as lessen the effect. I made a flower into fertilizer in less than half a minute.  _

_ I was terrified, Fitz. I could literally murder with touch. And there was nothing to stop it. I did what I had to do, man. Like I said before, I’m not letting anyone die for me. I’m not letting my mom find a way to use me again. My rules this time. There are none. _

_ You’re my best friend dude. I love you. I’m sorry I never said that before. You’ll always be my best friend. And I hope I was good enough for you. I know I wasn’t the best, but I’ll settle for good enough. _

_ Again, stop being a fool. You don’t actually care about the match. I know that better than anyone, besides maybe Biana. She’s not gonna care. At the rate it’s going, she might not even get matched (I’m sure she’ll tell you what I’m talking about soon.) Your parents couldn’t care in the slightest. They just want you to be happy. I want you to be happy. And I want Sophie to be happy. _

_ You know what you have to do. Apologizing isn’t that hard, your ego will be fine, golden boy. As someone who never got to be with the person they loved, take it from me. These minor inconveniences don’t matter in the long run. If I could go back and change one thing, it would’ve been Tam. Don’t make the same mistake I did. _

_ Take care of yourself Fitzy. It would mean a lot to me. And don’t forget to give my gorgeous tree a nice hard kick.  _

_ Love, _

_ Lord Hunkyhair _

**_look at how my tears ricochet_ **

He wasn’t gonna bother hiding the tears. Keefe was gay. And he didn’t tell him. Because he was scared. Fitz knew better than most what that felt like, because he dealt with it too. For some reason, he never really took into account a person’s gender as a factor to whether he’d like them or not. It was all about personality. 

The only person who knew that was Biana. Biana herself liked all genders, but she preferred boys. He glanced over to the bed to see her taking it less well than he was. The letter was by her legs and her head was buried into Dex’s neck again, Dex himself was shaking with tears as he read his own letter.

Fitz felt Sophie’s leg shift against his own, and looked back to see the blonde with a hand over her mouth, crying a river and holding Ella tight. He could imagine he didn't look too different.

It hurt, knowing that the biggest secret Keefe had to keep was something he could’ve told them. He understood now, why it had been so hard for him. Fitz had a first hand experience with the conflict. 

But Fitz had had Biana to help him. Keefe had no one. He couldn't imagine how hard that must’ve been.

Fitz glanced over to Tam, wondering what the shade’s reaction could be. His worst enemy just admitted that he was in love with him after all. How is one supposed to take that? Fitz was dully disappointed in his search for emotion, since Tam’s face was as steely as ever. Though he could’ve sworn he saw a tear building up.

Sophie knew that all this crying was gonna make Vertina yell at her about how ugly she looked for at least an hour, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care. She didn’t care that Keefe was gay. She didn’t care that he killed anything he touched. She just wanted him there.

His letter to her had just been “I’m so sorry, Foster” in a million different ways. Just apologizing over and over again. And Sophie wished more than anything to hug him and tell him it was ok. That she didn’t blame him He did what he had to do, and she was just stupid enough to fall for it.

And stupid enough to let Fitz go over a stupid little fight. They could’ve worked it out. Sophie knew that. They were both tired and angry at the time, if they had just slept on it, she knew she could’ve made Fitz understand. She knew that Fitz couldn’t help himself when it came to matchmaking because of the way he was raised. It never  _ really _ occurred to him that he had a choice. And more than anything he was just looking out for his family.

Keefe explained that to her. He  _ subtly _ told her to stop being an idiot and to just go to Fitz and explain. He told her that he would listen. And Keefe knew Fitz better than anyone.

Sophie told herself that she was gonna try and take his advice. But definitely not soon. For now, she was going to lock herself in her room, listen to  _ Before You Go _ on repeat and only let herself out on the day of the planting. SHe tried to tell herself to be a little less pathetic, but she knew that was what she was going to do. It was the only thing she could do.

**_and I can go anywhere I want_ **

**_anywhere I want_ **

**_just not home_ **

Tam didn’t know what to expect. But whatever it was, it definitely wasn’t this.

_ Dear Bangs Boy, _

_ You’re definitely going to hate me by the end of this letter. It’s up to you what the reason for that hate is. But it’s definitely going to happen. _

_ Let me start off by saying I lied. I do like you.  _ Like  _ like you as Sophie would ever so cleverly put it. Just seems too bland for me though. I love you Tam, and not in the friend kind of way. _

_ If you’re still reading this, I fared better than I thought. Still doesn’t help the fact that you probably didn’t like me back. And even if you did (you didn’t), I’m gone. Sorry about that, by the way. I didn’t have a choice. Or maybe I didn’t give myself one. _

_ I feel like you would understand. If you killed every single living thing you touched, would you stick around. Live with that risk around Linh? Knowing that there was literally nothing you could do?  _

Sixteen _ gloves, and it didn’t even  _ slow _ the ability. I shudder just thinking about whatever my mom was planning. I couldn’t let her do that. I couldn’t give her the chance. _

_ And let’s face it, I would’ve been a liability. I could’ve accidentally killed any of you, easily. How would I live with myself then? _

_ We would’ve ended up here anyway. Except with someone else gone too. It’s better this way.  _

**_and you can aim for my heart go for blood_ **

**_but you would still miss me in your bones_ **

_ I’m sorry for how much danger my ‘crush’ is gonna put you in. I was terrified, you know? When I first met you. I figured out why all my endless flirting left people falling at my feet, but never made me feel anything. Cuz I did then. _

_ And it was scary as hell. Maybe there's no punishment from the council. Except of course, you can’t be nobility. But just the way people react itself. Sure, guilt breaks our minds. But that’s nothing a closed, stubborn, mindset can’t fix. You would probably know. _

Nevertheless, it feels good to come clean. Knowing nothing can hurt me. And Ro won’t let Mommy Dearest touch you. She was the only one who knew. All those nudges that seemed meant for Sophie, were usually for you. And occasionally the obvious one to throw people off track.

I love you. And there’s nothing better than saying that. I believed that there shouldn’t be laws on who to love for as long as I can remember. But not everyone does. And i can’t change everyone’s mind. 

So I kept my mouth shut and my heart locked for over a year. Making everyone think I liked Sophie, cuz why would I endanger my relationship with my best friend for something that wasn’t real? I have a lot of regrets about that.

Again, I’m sorry. For everything. But not making fun of your bangs. I’ll never regret that. I’ll never regret any moment with you, whether it was spent glaring or not. It was still with you.

Take care, you and Linh. It would mean a lot to me. You meant a lot to me. I just hope you don’t forget about me.

Yours truly (though I bet you don’t want me),

Keefe

**_and I still talk to you_ **

**_(when I'm screaming at the sky)_ **

Tam wasn’t sure how to feel. How was one supposed to feel when a dead person who had done nothing but tease and hate him when he was alive confessed that he was in love with you? And what were you supposed to feel, when you had loved him back?

The three main emotions he did feel right now were sadness, anger, and most of all, hopeless.

Sadness was a given, because Keefe was gone. Teasing aside, Tam was still friends with him. He still went through all that hard stuff with him. And his friend was gone. Forever.

Anger, because that little shit kept his mouth shut for over a year. Tam understood why, of course, but in the moment, all he could think about was the fact that if he had just told them, maybe they could’ve had something. Maybe they could’ve put the facades behind them and loved each other, whether it was in secret or not.

And that brought him to hopelessness. Of course it wasn’t just Keefe’s fault nothing had happened between the two. Tam hadn’t said anything either. And he had to cling to the fact that the new ability had pushed him over the edge. It wasn’t his fault Keefe was gone. 

But it still hurt. 

Elves live thousands of years, but Tam wasn’t sure if he’d get over this. Maybe it was his dramatic ass, or maybe it was just that traumatizing. He wasn’t a crier, and definitely not in public, but he had a good feeling he was going to shed some tears that night.

**_and when you can’t sleep at night_ **

**_(you hear my stolen lullabies)_ **

Dex couldn’t be more thankful. The books themselves, filled with Keefe’s precise tiny handwriting, were so helpful. He had stopped thinking that way a while ago, but it still helped to have this. Knowing someone else had felt  _ exactly _ the same.

He just wished Keefe was better at taking his own advice. Dex knew in his heart that he was right, and there probably wasn’t anything to stop the ability, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t have tried. Dex was an alchemist  _ and _ a technopath. He would’ve found something that would work!

That was a lie, of course. But that was all he could really do at the moment. Lie to himself.

Linh couldn’t decide whether she wanted to smile or cry. Maybe a bit of both. 

Her brother had been in love with Keefe for ages, and she was pretty sure it sparked when they first met. And she was the only one who knew. 

Tam had seemed so hopelessly in love that it was actually funny, she’d never seen her brother like that before. Knowing the consequences, they both kept quiet about it, Tam edging Keefe on toward Sophie because he just wanted him to be happy. But it turns out, he had just fallen for Keefe’s trick, just like they all had.

It was hard for her, knowing that they could’ve had something. And if it was hard for her, it had to be a million times worse for Tam. 

**_I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace_ **

The day of the planting was probably the best and worst everyone had ever looked. Dressed up in green, looking their best like Keefe would’ve wanted. But no amount of make-up was gonna cover the puffy eyes, red cheeks, and huge bags under their eyes. So they didn’t bother with any at all.

Ro had come back later that day, immediately agreeing to be Tam and Linh’s bodyguard. Nobody knew if she had cried or not, since she read the will while she was alone, but they could’ve sworn that she had wiped away a single tear as they headed up the hill where Sophie and Dex’s trees sat.

They thought it was only fitting to have Keefe’s wanderling near his friends. 

**_and so the battle ships will sink beneath the waves_ **

Sophie could hear everyone whisper as she and Dex walked past their trees, but she didn’t care. She just clung to Dex’s hand as Biana clung to the other, and kept making her way up the hill.

Dex had only seen his tree a couple of times before. It had grown taller since the last time, towering over Sophie’s again. He had always hoped he wouldn’t have to see another tree there. 

Linh had promised Tam she would  _ try _ not to cry. She did try. It didn’t work that well. The only planting she’d ever been to before was Mr.Forkle’s and that one was okay because technically he was still there. Keefe wasn’t. She wished more than anything that Keefe would show up beside them. But it wasn’t gonna happen.

**_you had to kill me but it killed you just the same_ **

Tam had cried himself out the night before, and to his delight, was physically incapable of crying that morning. That way he could remain steel-faced throughout the planting. 

None of them had really talked after they read the letters. But judging by the way no one said anything against Keefe, Tam judged that not a single one of them cared. And he couldn’t be more happy about that. But he still wasn’t ready to tell them. The pain was still too fresh.

Biana had the necklace Keefe left her around her neck, and she found her hand playing with it every one in awhile. It seemed to become the only thing she could focus on. Probably because the necklace was still there. Keefe wasn’t.

Everyone had decided Fitz should be the one to plant the seed. They were the closest after all. So, he planted the seed, poured the elixir, and broke the bottle. Just like he was told to. He could barely process it though. His mind was just a hurricane of flashbacks, from Sophie, Dex, Forkle, and Alden’s plantings, Keefe’s smirks. The smiles he would never see again.

**_and now your tossing out blame_ **

**_drunk on this pain_ **

People had passed by in a blur. There were a lot. Most of them were whispering about Cassius’s absence. So the six of them ignored it. The only people they didn’t give a half-assed thank you’s to were Stina, Wylie, Maruca, Jensi, and Marella. They actually thanked them. Because they could see that they actually cared.

Fitz had locked himself in his room immediately after the planting. He wouldn’t come out, no matter how many times Alden or Della stood at the door, begging him to come out, to eat something, or at least say something. After a couple hours, they resorted to leaving food and sweets at the door, and taking joy in coming back minutes later to see the trays gone.

Biana couldn’t handle hard things alone. And with Fitz holed up in his room, crying or who knows what, it wasn’t a surprise that she ended up at Rimeshire, collapsing into Dex’s arms as he opened the door.

The same thing had happened when Keefe was in a coma, so Dex’s parents decided not to bother them when they saw their son carrying his friend bridal style up to his room. Juline didn’t even bother getting a sleeping bag, since last time Bex had reported they didn’t use it, and she and Kesler trusted the two enough to share a bed. They had a feeling they weren’t just friends, but they  _ definitely _ weren’t going to bring that up then.

Dex set Biana down on his bed, and almost immediately she grabbed his collar and pulled him down to press her lips to his. After pulling away, Dex chuckled, “Bia, I haven’t even closed the door yet.”

Biana sighed with her forehead pressed against his. “I don’t care. I just want you here with me.”

Walking over to his closet, to the drawer that had pretty much been Biana’s since the first few times she’d stayed with him when Keefe was asleep, he pulled out a pair of pajamas and tossed it to her, responding, “I’m right here. Go get changed, honey.”

She did, and once she came out of the bathroom, she crossed over to where Dex was sitting on his bed, reading a book and sat down in his lap. Biana gently lowered the book, kissing him again, both of them hoping all the kissing and cuddling and sleeping would make the pain go away. 

And it did.

Almost.

**_crossing out the good years_ **

After two days of Fitz not saying a word, staying in his room, and not answering his imparter, Biana was done. She just lost Keefe, who was like a brother to her. She couldn’t lose Fitz too.

So she stood outside his door, for an hour. Knocking turned to punching, punching turned to banging, banging turned to kicking, and eventually, kicking turned to crying. 

Grizel and Woltzer stood down the hall, offering to kick the door open for her, both of them wanting to make sure Fitz was okay. The only sounds that had come from his room in the past few days had been sobbing and sniffing, which was expected. But they didn’t expect him to stay quiet while his little sister sat with her back against the door, crying and begging him to come out, or at least say something.

After ten minutes, Biana’s head was between her knees, still whispering Fitz’s name. “Come on, Fitz. Please just listen to me.”

She almost gave up, got up and kicked his door one last time, changed out of her pajamas and went to Dex’s to complain, or cry, or sleep. But Fitz opened the door, and Biana tumbled backward, staring up at him with tear-stained cheeks. Then she stood up and kicked him in the shin, hard.

Fitz gasped with pain, his voice ragged, “I deserved that.”

“Damn right you did,” Biana agreed. She threw her arms around her brother’s neck. “You can’t disappear like that. I need you. Now more than ever.”

Biana could tell Fitz was crying as he hugged her back, “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’ve had enough apologies for a lifetime.”

They both flopped onto Fitz’s bed as Biana remembered something Keefe had told her to do in his letter. “I have to tell you something.”

“Is it whatever Keefe was referring too in his letter?” Fitz asked. At her nod he questioned, “What did he mean when he said that you could end up being a bad match? Wasn’t your dream always to meet someone at your Winnowing Gala and have a wedding with rainbows and rivers left and right?”

“Dreams change. And that was before I realized how messed up the system really is. And before I had a boyfriend.” She said the last part in a hushed whisper, waiting for Fitz to yell or something. Instead he just laughed.

“Really? That’s what you’ve been keeping from me?”

“Well I’m sorry, I thought your reaction would be worse!” Biana confessed, laughing with him.

“I’m not that scary!”

“The boy who asked me out in Level One and hasn’t talked to me since would beg to differ.”

“Hey, you were eleven! And I had nothing to do with that!”

“Sure.”

Fitz laughed again, shaking his head. “Who is it? Dex I bet.”

Biana nodded. “You really aren’t mad?”

“I’m mad you kept it a secret from me. But no, not really. Plus, if you’re gonna date any guy, I’d want it to be Dex. I trust him.”

She smiled as he added, “How long?”

“Since before we became regents.”

“Bia! That was ages ago! And who knew?”

“Only Lovise and Woltzer, since we could hardly keep it from them. Maybe the other bodyguards, but Keefe figured it out on his own,” When Fitz nodded, she also asked, “What did he tell you to do?”

He hung his head. “Stop being stupid.”

“Best advice anyone could give you and Sophie. I would’ve paid to get that through your thick skulls,” Biana chuckled. “Are you gonna listen to it?”

“I think I am.”

**_and your cursing my name_ **

**_wishing I stayed_ **

That was how Fitz ended up outside Sophie’s bedroom door, somewhat mesmerized by her singing. 

“ _ Was there something I could’ve said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind could make you feel so worthless… _ ”

Sandor shook his head, “She’s been singing that same song for days now. It's depressing.”

It was. But it felt like almost everything was then. 

He pushed open the door softly, “Sophie?”

She was in bed, in a beige sweatshirt from the Forbidden Cities, the edge of the sleeves hanging off her hands covered in tear drops. Her hair was in a messy bun that looked like it hadn’t been redone in days, and her face was puffy from crying. But she still looked beautiful to him.

Sophie didn’t say anything, just took the earphones out and set her ipod away, then patted the spot beside her, inviting him to sit next to her. He did.

For a moment they were both silent, both of them knowing why he was here. So Fitz started off. “I know you said we should just be friends, but I wanted to apologize. I don’t want to pressure you into the match. If you, of all people, think that no one should know who your biological parents are, then I respect that. It's probably something big. And I shouldn’t pry. But that doesn’t leave us nowhere.

“I don’t actually care about matchmaking, Sophie. I just care about my family. A lot of people are gonna hate us, but Keefe reminded me of something. My parents and Biana aren’t gonna care. Maybe the rest of the Vackers will, but the ones who matter won’t. They just want me to be happy. And they know the only person I’m gonna be happy with, is you,” Fitz confessed, softly grabbing her hands, and wiping away a single tear that had fallen down Sophie’s cheek.

“So if you’ll take me back, I’m right here. I don’t care about all the hate. I care about you. And I just need you to see that.”

Sophie didn’t know what to say. So she didn’t say anything. Instead, she leaned in, bringing his face closer to hers, and finally had the moment that had been put off and interrupted for long enough. 

She kissed him. And he kissed her back. And it was _so_ much better than she’d imagined. 

When they pulled away, she couldn’t help but giggle, “Did you practice on your pillow or something?”

Fitz gave her a cocky grin, “You wish. I’m just naturally amazing.” Sophie laughed.

“So that’s a yes? You’ll be my girlfriend again? The right way this time?”

Sophie nodded. “The right way this time.”

Maybe, just maybe, they could take Keefe’s advice. Maybe, just maybe, they would be alright.

**_look at how my tears ricochet_ **


End file.
